Co-regulation: the pathway to self-regulation
Self-regulation is a term we see and hear frequently in the early years sector. It’s even a part of Quality Area 5 in the National Quality Standard. When it comes to talking about self-regulation with educators, the conversations focus on children learning to regulate their own emotions and behaviour. This is a great start to the conversation because that is our learning goal for children; however, it is not the end of the conversation. We need to ensure conversations around self-regulation extend into how children learn to self-regulate.
What is self-regulation?
Before we get into how children learn to self-regulate, let’s start by looking at what self-regulation is and what it is not. Self-regulation has many definitions. Academics who study self-regulation suggest there are over 447 definitions (Hoffman, 2021). So how are we meant to know what it is? Here are two definitions from Children’s Services Central (n.d.) which I find most useful:
“Developing the capacity to manage powerful emotions constructively and keep one’s attention focused.”
“The ability to manage your own energy states, emotions, behaviours and attention, in ways that are socially acceptable and help achieve positive goals, such as maintaining good relationships, learning and maintaining wellbeing.”
The key words I pull out from these definitions are manage, emotions and attention. These three words really capture the essence of self-regulation - to manage our emotions and attention. My personal definition of self-regulation is the ability to recognise and manage all the factors which influence one’s energy levels, emotions and behaviours in positive and constructive ways. I believe it’s important to include ‘recognise’ in a definition of self-regulation. Developing the self-awareness to recognise what influences our regulation is critical for effectively managing these influences.
Self-regulation is not self-control. Shanker (2016) tells us:
“There is a profound difference between self-regulation and self-control. Self-control is about inhibiting strong impulses; self-regulation is about reducing the frequency and intensity of strong impulses by managing stress-load and recovery. In fact, self-regulation is what makes self-control possible, or, in many cases, unnecessary.”
Self-control is part of the executive function inhibitory control. This is the cognitive ability to resist acting upon every urge or desire and instead act based on what’s appropriate or necessary (Diamond, 2013). Self-regulation and self-control are related skills; however, they are not the same.
So, what are we ‘regulating’ during self-regulation?
As we read in the definitions above, self-regulation is about managing our emotions and behaviour. This is actually a more complex process than it seems. Self-regulation is linked to our internal energy level or level of alertness - whether we’re feeling tired and slow, calm and focused, anxious and jumpy. This is called our arousal state and it is influenced by mental, emotional and physical factors. One of the main goals of self-regulation is recognising and modifying our arousal state to be able to act and interact in positive, necessary and socially acceptable ways.
Arousal is a necessary function to survive and thrive, and different levels of arousal are appropriate for different circumstances. Optimal state of arousal is the level of energy and alertness which appropriate for day-to-day functioning. This is when we feel clear-headed, we can focus on our task at hand, and we are able to respond to things in an appropriate way.
When our arousal state decreases below optimal, we might feel tired or bored. Arousal state is at its lowest during sleep. Low arousal state is important for being able to fall asleep and our body increases our arousal state in the morning when we need to wake. When we say we’re feeling ‘low’ or ‘flat’, we’re talking about a decreased state of arousal.
An arousal state above optimal is when our body feels busy or fidgety. We might be quick to react and sometimes react in the wrong way. When our arousal state is increased, it might be because we’re feeling excited, silly or anxious. We may even experience a very high arousal state when feeling outraged, terrfied or ‘out of control’. Fight-or-flight responses increase our arousal state to help keep us safe from threats.
What happens when our arousal state changes?
We modify our state of arousal across the day to match the activity we’re undertaking. Most of the day we aim to be in our optimal state of arousal. However, other arousal states are appropriate depending on the activity. For example, we ideally need to decrease our arousal state prior to attempting to sleep. Sometimes we may need to increase our arousal state above optimal. Sports professionals, for example, need to increase their arousal state prior to playing their sport to ensure adequate physical and mental energy for the game.
Dysregulation is the term we use when our arousal state does not match the activity we’re undertaking. As mentioned above, we aim to be in our optimal state of arousal for most of the day. Influences such as bodily functions, emotions or sensory input can change our arousal state. When this occurs and our arousal state no longer matches that which is required for the current activity, we are dysregulated. Often, we have strategies which we use to modify our arousal state back to where it needs to be. Someone who is feeling anxious may talk to a friend or family member which modifies their arousal state.
What influences self-regulation?
Self-regulation and modifying our state of arousal is a complex process. Sensory input, emotions, bodily functions, social interactions and perceptions of self can all influence our arousal state and therefore self-regulation. Shanker’s Five Domains of Self-Regulation (2022) help us understand just what is involved in self-regulation. The five domains are biological, emotional, cognitive, social and prosocial.
Everyone self-regulates
We often talk about self-regulation in relation to children. However, self-regulation is something which continues into adulthood. Reflecting on myself, I have found learning about self-regulation has been a journey in which I have become increasingly aware of influences upon my own arousal state. I have worked with many early years professionals and I often see similar stories to mine. Educators who are naturally empathetic with an intuitive understanding of self-regulation. I believe learning about self-regulation and arousal states with the aim to increase self-awareness is critical for effectively supporting self-regulation in others - also known as co-regulation.
What is co-regulation?
Nicholson et al. (2023) define co-regulation as “the assistance provided by a caregiver to soothe a child’s emotional distress” (p. 52). Moreover, co-regulation is when someone sensitive and empathetic supports someone else with their self-regulation. I see this with educators working with younger children but tend to see it less in those working with older children. I see a shift from educators soothing distress to using children’s distress as a teachable moment.
Recently, I heard Toni Christie speak who said children’s increasing verbal abilities lead us to overestimate their self-regulation skills. Toni explained this in terms of children’s brain development. She explained in young children the limbic system (the emotional centre of the brain) disconnects the prefrontal cortex (the thinking centre of the brain) during times of increased arousal. This means when children are distressed or frustrated, using phrases like “use your words” or trying to teach children in the moment are ineffective. Their brains have disconnected the thinking centre of their brains and need to be supported to self-regulate through co-regulation before this can occur.
What does co-regulation look like?
We support children to self-regulate through co-regulation - and in return this is how they learn to self-regulate. It requires educators to sensitively and empathetically respond to children’s dysregulation and support them through the process of modifying their arousal state. This sounds very technical and clinical; however, it is something you probably already do.
Think about a child who is distressed because they want a vehicle another child is using. The child is crying and approaches an educator for support. The educator could respond in many ways, but here are two examples of how they could respond:
Example 1 - not co-regulation. The educator says to the child, “go ask for a turn or you can wait for a turn and find something else to play with while you wait.”
Example 2 - co-regulation. The educator says to the child, “I can see you’re feeling upset. Let’s find something to help you feel better and then we can talk about it.” The educator then finds the child’s water bottle, the child has a drink, and they sit down together to play at the playdough table. The child isn’t interested in playing at first, so they sit on the educator’s lap while the educator manipulates the playdough and talks about what they are doing. The child watches, then starts to play with some playdough too. The educator maintains awareness of the child’s body language and notices they appear calmer, no longer crying. The educator asks the child about why they were feeling upset and the child explains they wanted a turn of the vehicle. Understanding that the child is still learning about turn-taking, social communication and self-regulation, the educator provides some suggestions about how they could approach the other child and ask for a turn or wait until they are finished. The educator then asks, “I can come with you now if you would like to ask for a turn?”
These examples both involve the same teaching moment - strategies to gain access to the vehicle through asking for a turn or waiting for a turn. However, the key difference is the educator in the second example responds sensitively and empathetically, supports the child to modify their arousal state, then engages in the teachable moment.
How do we co-regulate with children?
Co-regulation starts from a place of empathy. This means we need to approach co-regulation with the understanding that children will be able to self-regulate in the future when we sensitively and effectively co-regulate with them today. It is from this understanding that co-regulation can occur. We also need to approach co-regulation with children in the arousal state which we want the child to be in. Children won’t be able to regulate to their optimal state of arousal if the person co-regulating with them is dysregulated.
I approach co-regulation by ‘seeing and guessing’. I state to the child what I can see in their body, for example, “I can see that you’re crying,” or “I can see your body is very busy.” I find this helps children connect their sensory / bodily experiences with their arousal state. Nicholson et al. (2023) suggest that sensory literacy (language associated with bodily feelings and sensations) is an important skill to have before emotional literacy (language associated with emotions). I then broadly guess what the child might be feeling on the inside based on what I have seen, such as, “I wonder if you’re feeling upset, I can help with that.” My aim is to connect the physical and emotional experience of children. Children may not be able to learn a lot while they're dysregulated. However, I still like to narrate like this during co-regulation so that when I am engaging in intentional teaching at a time where the child is regulated, they may be able to associate the words I said during co-regulation with the experiences they had.
Once I’ve acknowledged the child’s feelings through seeing and guessing, I start to offer them strategies which may help modify their arousal state. I have found that asking children what they need during co-regulation is much less effective than offering different strategies which I think will help. Asking children what they need adds to their cognitive load which is already overwhelmed with an increased arousal state. I usually offer strategies which focus on sensory experiences. We know that sensory input can modify arousal state within the biological domain. I find engaging the senses helps children refocus their thinking on the present moment rather than something which has happened in the past or may happen in the future. This reflects the concept positive psychology concept of mindfulness - bringing one’s attention to the present, the ‘here and now’. Some effective strategies to support regulation include:
Deep breathing
Touch / pressure
A drink of water
Fidget toys
Singing / music
Books / stories
Sensory trays
Playdough
Sometimes children don’t want to participate in any strategies to modify their arousal state. When this happens, I usually start to engage in the regulation strategies myself. For example, the deep breathing or playing with a sensory tray. Neuroscientific research has discovered a specific type of cell found in the brain called mirror neurons. These cells activate same part of the brain when we see someone performing an action as if we were performing it ourselves (Nicholson et al., 2023). Modelling regulation strategies without pressure to engage in them can actually modify children’s arousal state. I find that this can modify a child’s arousal state enough to get them involved in either that strategy or a different one.
Finally, once a child’s arousal state has regulated, there is opportunity to reflect on what happened and restore energy levels. This is where intentional teaching opportunities can occur, such as in the example above. Dysregulation uses a lot of energy and can make us physically, mentally and emotionally tired. We may need to consider how we modify the child’s day to reduce pressure on their bodies and minds and provide experiences which restore energy. This includes communicating with other educators in the team and a child’s family so they can also tailor their support. A child who was quite dysregulated may need to eat more, sleep earlier or engage in social contact with family members more than usual to restore their physical, mental and emotional energies.
To summarise co-regulation
Start with empathy
See and guess
Strategies to modify arousal state
Reflect and restore
Look after yourself
As I mentioned above, we are all self-regulating all the time. Working with young children and their families provides unique influences upon our arousal states. Co-regulation requires us manage our arousal state while supporting someone who is dysregulated. This has the potential to dysregulate us if we are unable to manage our own self-regulation.
I like to use the analogy of masks in an airplane here. During the safety briefing on a flight, you are instructed to put your own mask on before helping anyone else if there’s an emergency. This is so you have oxygen and can help anyone else around you. Without oxygen, you might become unconscious while trying to help those around you and end up helping no one. We need to make sure we are self-monitoring our own physical, mental and emotional energies and engaging in strategies to restore these, where possible.
Co-regulation isn’t something that we only do in our work with children. We live in relational worlds where we are potentially co-regulating with many people - family, friends, colleagues, clients. I find the more I learn about self-regulation and co-regulation, the more frequently I notice myself doing it with a wider range of people. I hope this post is a positive part of your own journey learning about self-regulation and co-regulation.
References / Further Reading
Australian Children’s Education & Care Quality Authority [ACECQA]. (2024). Guide to the national quality framework. Guide to the NQF. https://www.acecqa.gov.au/sites/default/files/2024-03/Guide-to-the-NQF-web.pdf
Children’s Services Central. (n.d.). Self-regulation: a foundation for wellbeing and involved learning. Quality Area 5 - Relationships with children. https://www.acecqa.gov.au/sites/default/files/2021-01/SelfRegulationAFoundationForWellbeing.PDF
Conkbayir, M. (2021). Early childhood and neuroscience: Theory, research and implications for practice (2nd ed.). Bloomsbury Academic.
Diamond A. (2013). Executive functions. Annual review of psychology, 64, 135–168. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-113011-143750
Hoffman, J. (2021, October 13). What is self-regulation—really?. The MEHRIT Centre. https://self-reg.ca/what-is-self-regulation-really-shared-understandings-and-language-matter/
Nicholson, J., Perez, L., Kurtz, J., Bryant, S. & Giles, D. (2023). Trauma-informed practices for early childhood educators: Relationship-based approaches that reduce stress, build resilience and support healing in young children (2nd ed.). Routledge.
Shanker, S. (2016, July 11). Self-regulation vs. self-control. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/self-reg/201607/self-regulation-vs-self-control
Shanker, S. (2022, December 15). The self-reg framework: The five domains of stress. The MEHRIT Centre. https://self-reg.ca/self-reg-framework-5-domains-stress/
Disclaimer
The content in this post is my own opinion based on my professional knowledge and experience. All the information provided is true and accurate to the best of my knowledge, but there may be errors, omissions or mistakes. While I am an early childhood professional, the content in this post is general in nature and you must use your professional discretion when utilising the information provided.